Big Feelings
Do you have Big Feels or Low Affect? How can one work with the other?
Years ago, when I was selling TV advertising, I came to work one day, and my key card didn’t let me into the garage. I’m leaning out of my car in the rain, frantically waving the card in front of the reader. The TV station was in Seattle, parking was a mess, which was why the company parking mattered.
I had two young kids, I was a single mom, and I carried a huge chip on my shoulder because everyone else that I worked with had lots of money. Or so I thought. They’d chat about their second homes when I didn’t even own a first one.
Even after my car was parked, on the street, far away from the station, and I had walked, on my uncomfortable high heels up to my office, I was still steaming mad. Because I was afraid. Did the key card not work because I was fired? My boss couldn’t stand me because I made more in sales than the rest of the team combined. That’s not hyperbole, that is actually true, and she did end up firing me. But the key card was a glitch, not a termination although I didn’t know that at the time.
I carried a briefcase then, with my company laptop in it. I walked into my little office. My office mate was out on calls, so I had the office to myself. But the door was open. I threw my briefcase across the room. It landed with a dramatic thud against the opposite wall. The rest of the office, outside the door, got very quiet.
It's no surprise then that I write a lot about Big Feelings. How to deal with your emotions and those of the people around you; how to manage your own emotional ups and downs. Basically, self-regulation.
I write about feelings not just because I am a reformed laptop hurler but because navigating Big Feelings is an important part of emotional intelligence, leadership, and not being an asshole. Anger, shame, fear, conflict, the ups and downs of any creative process can buffet us. How we manage those storms in ourselves and with others can determine how strong our relationships are.
Spending time with my two toddler grandchildren, I am reminded first-hand how we need emotional regulation to exist in community, but we want to teach it without damage or shame. It also reminds me of how our innate personality can influence how we manage feelings. Some of us are Big Feelers – sensitive, prone to ups and downs, more reactive. Some of us are not, we are Lower Affecters, we are wired in a calmer, more low-key way or we have learned to suppress our stronger emotions because it may not be safe for us to give full voice to them, for many reasons.
Interestingly, one of the most surprising and pernicious conflicts I see at work is between Big Feelers and Low Affecters. What’s surprising is that the conflict is rarely between a Big Feeler who upsets the Low Affecters with screaming or throwing things. It’s Big Feelers who hound the Low Affecters to be different, to emote more obviously and dramatically.
Big Feelers in senior leadership understand that they can’t be yelling. But they don’t always understand that the Big Feelings that come naturally to them don’t always come naturally to Low Affecters. Or that their privilege may pave the way for their feelings festivals while someone with less privilege isn’t safe to show certain emotions at work.
A happy Big Feeler, especially one who is an extrovert, will run around emoting much of the day - singing praises, inspiring teams, managing in a lather of feedback, connection and how was your weekend esprit de corps. They have expressive faces, gesture often. In person they may be huggers, or the first to leap up to a whiteboard.
That’s their default. So, when they see a Low Affecter at work, they may judge, as we often judge people who are different than we are. “Why doesn’t she socialize more with her co-workers? He doesn’t give much feedback or praise. He has such a flat affect in meetings I can’t tell if he likes my ideas or not. I never know if he’s angry. It’s hard to get close to her. She’s stand-offish.”
A common management mistake is to think our style is best and to want to create a pod of MiniMe’s with the same style. Which can miss the advantages of complimentary styles. It can also grind down the people who are wired differently when you try to get them to be someone they are not.
Low Affecters are generally more reserved, and often more data oriented. Which means they can be great at logic, strategy, data analysis. They can calm down a conflict. They can be much easier to work with for introverts and other Low Affecters, who can find a Big Feeling colleague to be intrusive.
While some Low Affecters are naturally reserved, and have always been that way, other people use reserve as protection in workplaces and corporate cultures that are not welcoming. A person with a natural inclination towards Big Feelings may not feel safe to broadcast their emotions at workplaces with microaggressions, racism and stereotypes.
The most judgmental Big Feelers I’ve seen in my personal experience are white women. Maybe because we’ve been told for generations not to speak up or cry at work, or that we’re too emotional. It’s a nice story to think that a workplace full of feelings is one of authenticity and connection and trust. Which may be true in some cases, especially if the workplace is full of extroverted Big Feeling white women.
The phenomenon of White Women’s Tears refers to the cultural notion that a white woman in distress needs to be rescued, often by white men. “But you made her cry! She’s upset!” is cited as the most salient feature of certain conflicts. No matter if the white woman is upset because she got called out on her racist behavior. Unskillful white managers, when faced with a white woman in conflict with a Black woman where the white woman is crying often stop thinking rationally, and succumb to racist, cultural tropes.
While it’s important for all of us to metabolize and regulate our own emotions, it’s also important for Big Feelers to recognize that Low Affect leaders can effectively and positively build a thriving team and be excellent managers, even if their style is different. Don’t try to make them carbon copies of you. Recognize and build on the ways their complementary skills can help the team.
Because while throwing a laptop across the room is culturally frowned upon, dismantling the confidence of a strong performer because they don’t express emotions in the way you do is ultimately more damaging.