Consigliera College: Introverts as Leaders

The Introvert Survival Guide

Last week I wrote about “leadership porn” with some disdain because I dislike leadership advice that propagates one right way to lead and insists we should all hew to those standards. First of all, who makes those standards?  Who is not invited?

I’ve had more than one mid-career client tell me that they couldn’t imagine themselves in a leadership role because they are introverts. They described their understanding of the “ideal”  leader as outgoing, extroverted, charismatic and thriving on contact with others. What place, these women wondered, was there for the quiet ones, the introverts, those of us who don’t like extended contact with other people?

It's easy to tell if you’re an introvert or an extrovert. Do you get your energy from being with people or from being alone? That’s it. If you get your energy from being around people, then you’re an extrovert. If you recharge when alone, you’re an introvert.

Introverts can and do enjoy being around others, just as extroverts can and do value their time alone. It’s not either or, it’s a question of where you get your energy, which can help you understand how to balance your responsibilities to maximize your energy and avoid getting depleted.  

I’m an introvert. This is surprising to people who don’t know me well because I have a big personality. I enjoy talking with others, I like to work with teams, I like to mentor, teach and train.

But at the end of a day of coaching and training and talking, I’m exhausted. I’m depleted, an energetically empty husk. The only way for me to recharge is to be alone for extended periods of time. Which I love. Today I’ve only had one brief video meeting. I’m taking it easy as I nurse a pulled muscle in my back and I’m sitting in my office in the silence as happy as can be. I’m not alone. When I go out to refill my teacup, I can hear my partner talking in the other room. But I can then return to my office, plump up the cushions that are shoring up my back, and shut the door.

Introverts can lead as effectively as extroverts. Here are some tips I share with clients.

Tell people how to work with you

We should all do this, but we aren’t in the habit of it.

“I prefer to respond in emails, it helps me get my thoughts together.”

“I like to process for a while and might not give you an answer right away – anything you can send in advance will help.”

When I used to travel with people for work, I was clear that I did NOT want to sit next to a colleague on the plane, and at the end of a day of meetings I would be retreating like the introvert I was to my hotel room to recharge. When I have all day client meetings, I will bring my lunch and go eat it outside – alone – just to get a break. My client’s always offer to order me lunch, and I’m clear that I need a break mid-day to recharge for the afternoon’s activities.

Quiet is powerful

Leaders who don’t try to take up all the air in a room are often much more powerful than their blowhard counterparts. They might sit back and only ask a few questions, but their questions are thoughtful. Reserved people often instill a calm confidence in others. But they also tell me they worry they won’t be considered “leadership material” when compared to the talkative white guys.

If you’re afraid of getting lost in the thicket of chatty people, try to own something specific for which you can claim credit. “I’ll own that,” said by Ms Reserved can lead to “Today Ms Reserved is going to take us through her findings…”

Bonus points if you work with a reserved person for calling out their quiet but important contributions.

"As Elaine said last time we met…”

“Janelle’s process for this was great…”

Plan ahead

If you’re doing a new thing, try to keep your introvert glasses on when you’re planning. When I first went to large conferences, I didn’t realize that I would be with people ALL DAY LONG. So, the first few were hellish. Then I learned my own survival skills, which included always getting time alone first thing in the morning and at the end of the day. I’d breakfast alone and read the paper, take a long walk outside by myself during a break, or grab the hotel gym when everyone else was at dinner.

If I have a speaking engagement, I don’t plan anything before or after. I need to rest to get ready and then be alone when I’m done. I’ve gotten really good at saying no.

I’ve learned how to stack my calendar so that a time of interactions with people is followed by a swath of quiet. I know the balance that works for me, and I manage it carefully.

Learn how to assiduously refuse the well-meaning invitations of extroverts. They think they are doing you a favor by asking you to join them for activities which they find life giving. But you need to preserve your access to quiet and solitude, which you find life giving.

People assume

Just as people assume I’m an extrovert because I’m talkative, they will often assume that quieter, more reserved people are introverts, which isn’t necessarily true. If you are a shy extrovert, say that. Ask for what you want.

Be authentic and everyone will calm down

If you are comfortable with yourself and your style, other people will relax. There is nothing you can’t do as an introvert just as well as if not more effectively than an extrovert. Public speaking, dealing with conflict, inspiring and leading a team, managing a complex project to completion. Please reframe your narrative about what leaders should be to include thoughtful, reserved, introverts.

The rest of us introverts will be so relieved to work with and for you!