Control Issues
Outrage begets outrage, insult invites retaliation.
This weekend I went to see a movie in a theater. I don’t do this often, streaming and airborne viruses being what they are. But I decided to go to this particular movie because I like the theater, an older place with two large screens, each called “Piers” because the building has a maritime theme, the upper balcony curved like a ship, round windows suggesting portholes.
It was a matinee, so the theater was uncrowded. My partner sat on the seat to my right. When I sat down, I put my coat and backpack on the seat to my left. I did it intentionally, not feeling the need to cuddle up to a stranger in a theater with lots of empty seats.
A few minutes before the movie started, a woman entered our aisle. She was white, in her seventies, with very upright posture. She stood next to me and stared at my coat, her patrician features telegraphing disdain.
“Are these your things?” she said. Drip drip of disdain. It was clear that this tone, this delivery, was meant to send me scurrying to move said things. And it was also clear that this tone was used often, it was her customary register.
“Yes,” I said, smiling. I can telegraph too, and what I was telegraphing was bitch, please, this theater isn’t even half full, move along.
She sat, with audible huffs of irritation, on the other side of my coat, conversing tensely with the person she was with about, no doubt, the egregious behavior of the chick with the coat.
What’s it like, I thought, to move through the world utterly confident that everyone you meet will do your bidding?
I don’t know why she wanted that seat. It wasn’t on an aisle; it wasn’t in the middle. I’ve seen people get really attached to a particular seat, whether it’s in a lunchroom or on a bus or in a conference room. I assume she was attached to that particular seat for some reason known only to her.
I have often spoken pejoratively about middle-aged white men. But really, older white women are getting to me. And I am an older white woman. No doubt I recognize in these women behaviors which I have either done or do, or cultural expectations we should all have jettisoned long ago that many of us still carry.
Social media has monetized outrage, so everyone seems to be easily offended. And it’s tiresome from everyone. But it does seem like older white women have perfected the outrage over personal discomfort. Why do we think that public spaces should be run according to our standards? That we, alone, should be in charge of who sits where, what activities they participate in in public spaces, the volume level or whatever else doesn’t suit?
I’ve seen many people, regardless of age or gender, try to be in control of circumstances over which they have no control. It’s very challenging behavior in a work setting. Often, the people who are doing it already have that tendency – they are managers for a reason, they are used to managing people, getting them to do certain things. In large ways or small, the most effective people in a workplace are probably tasked with making sure certain things happen in a certain way at a certain time.
Often people with really dysfunctional families will resort to trying to control the people and circumstances around them. I don’t like the phrase “control issues” because it is always pejorative, usually aimed at women, and never takes into account the nuances I just outlined – for some people, control is their job, and for other people control is a defense mechanism that they will need help to unwind.
But if you have control issues, here are some suggestions.
I am more inclined to want to manage circumstances around my own preferences when I am tired, afraid, angry or hurt. Are you tired, afraid, angry or hurt? What is the problem you are trying to solve? If you’re frustrated about a small way in which your personal comfort is being disturbed, look beneath. Are you taking care of yourself? Getting enough rest? Setting appropriate boundaries?
I move through the world with white privilege, but I also move through the world as an older woman, gray haired, over sixty, sometimes with a grandkid or two in tow. The ways in which I am discounted or disregarded, especially in professional settings, wear on me. But, ideally, I can metabolize that without a pervasive rancor that makes me feel like I am “owed” a certain comfort, that I “earned” some level of compliance from people at work or in my family.
Stereotypes hurt. So, stop using them on others. We, as older women, complain if we are stereotyped, when assumptions are made that we are not technically savvy, or open to growing and changing, or aware of cultural trends. And yet, I hear so many older women complain about generations of younger people and the trouble with Gen Z or Millennials, or whatever. Not helpful.
When we are in shared spaces, whether it’s a movie theater or an office, the gym or a place of worship, we are with others. And being with others means making some compromises. Letting some things slide. Realizing that different people move through the world with different expectations, cultures and norms.
All of us can try to keep our balance and perspective and foster curiosity and compassion. How important is it? What is actually going on for me underneath this desire for control? Is this thing that irritates me really harming anything? Will this seem important in a month or a year?
Why is this appropriate to the person doing the irritating thing? The tired father pushing a screaming toddler in a shopping cart through the grocery store may not have any other time to shop, or anyone to watch his child so he can get some errands done. If I think it sucks having to listen to a screaming infant on an airplane, what must it be like for the parents, who love that child and feel terrible that he’s in pain?
Outrage begets outrage, insult invites retaliation. Trying to manage or control an adult is going to cause them to get defensive or frustrated or angry themselves. But curiosity, compassion and openness to changing your perspective not only helps the people with whom we interact, but it helps us too.