Cosmic Granny

Praise is judgement

My friend is a mental health specialist who works in schools. She is frequently up on a stage doing trainings for educators. She’s my age, sixty-one. Often, she is introduced as a “legend.” She’s had school administrators fawn over her “contributions to the community” over “so many years.”

“They act like I’m some Cosmic Granny,” she said to me.

She is great at what she does. But when she was in her fifties no one marveled at her being a “legend.” Or her forties. It’s almost always white men who crow about her legendary status, sometimes repeating it like a stutter.

It’s the kind of overcompensation I’ve seen throughout my career. Instead of saying out loud, ‘wow, I can’t believe you’re actually here’ there is the faux effusiveness, the casting about for commonality to demonstrate connection.

I’ve told the story before about how when my podcast co-host and old friend Eugene had been doing some freelance writing for an agency where I worked, he finally flew up to Seattle for meetings. When I introduced him to the CEO it was clear the CEO didn’t expect Eugene to be Black. Instead of saying that out loud, he went into faux effusiveness. This guy called everyone “dude”, but he called Eugene “man” over and over again, with a painfully false bonhomie.

I’m not equating racism and ageism, because they are, clearly, different. What I’m calling out is the unskilled overcorrection done by people who are thinking some variety of “I can’t believe you are here.” In my professional space.

Praise is judgement. “That’s a great question,” may sound affirming, but it is judgmental. If I’m facilitating a team meeting and Jane asks a question and I respond with “that’s a great question” but say nothing when Joe asks a question of equal value then I am judging. Why? Why are my expectations of Jane different than Joe?

I may think I’m supporting Jane. I may think I’m building her up. But could I not also be seen as surprised that Jane would ask a good question? How many times have we heard a white person tell a Black speaker how articulate she is? She has a PhD, what were you expecting?

Praise can be useful and effective. If Jane had, indeed, completely transformed the conversation by the depth of her insight and ability to frame the problem then, yes, call her out if you wish. But use it sparingly. And be mindful that you’re not pulling a Cosmic Granny, the overcorrection to obscure your fundamental discomfort with a person who is not like you in your professional space.

Facilitation is a tough skill. When I’m an outside facilitator, one of the things I try to do is not insert myself into the meeting. Any comment I make, however small, turns the attention to me and away from the team I am facilitating. In cases where I am hired as facilitator and consultant, I will bring two baseball caps with me to the meeting. I’ll keep one on top of the table or podium and one on a chair. When I’m asked my opinion as a consultant I will literally change hats, bringing the other baseball cap to the table to symbolize that I am stepping out of the facilitator role into another role.

The Cosmic Granny overcorrection centers the man speaking. Those men introducing my friend as a legend are making it about them. They are communicating “I am the authority on the value of each person, and this old lady actually is worth listening to, so not to worry.”

I’m a bit touchy about this lately because I wrote a really good article about the unhelpful narratives the media puts out about older women in the workplace. And I can’t get it published. I’ve gone back to places that have published my pieces before and gotten no response. I’ve been pushing this piece for six months. Do the ad trades really believe we have no ageism in advertising? That the few older women who have the temerity to still be working over fifty are all Cosmic Grannies, sparkling with wit and wisdom?

Where are the older women in public spaces? Last weekend my partner and I went to a fund raiser for Mercy Housing Northwest. There were the expected types, casually dressed philanthropists and businesspeople. It was a good event. The original incarnation of Mercy Housing was started by five orders of Catholic nuns who pooled funds to get the organization started.

I pointed out which women were nuns to my partner.

“How do you know?” he said. Well, I went to Catholic school, but I told him that the short white hair, no makeup and sensible shoes were a giveaway.

“Besides, where else are you going to see women in their seventies and eighties actively participating in society?” I said. Outside of church or activities specifically meant for the elderly, the only women I see who are old and socially active are Catholic nuns.

We’re erased at work, many of us lying about our age to seem more professionally viable or getting plastic surgery not because we want to, but because we think it will allow us to eke out a few more years in the workplace. We’re erased in the media, with a few exceptions. If we’re Cosmic Grannies, if we’re quirky and safe and inoffensive we can be adopted like harmless pets and liked on social media.

Have you ever used praise as subtle judgement? Who are you surprised to see in your professional spaces? Do you ever overcorrect with praise or acknowledgement? Or maybe you’ve been on the receiving end of the Cosmic Granny maneuver. I’d love to hear about it. Let me know.