Fail

How to come back from a setback

We all fail. Sometimes we make a mistake. Sometimes we lose a competition we thought we could win. Sometimes we fall short of expectations we had for ourselves, a situation or a relationship.

Sometimes you’re the windshield, sometimes you’re the bug.

How do you come back from a setback?

Yes, I am writing this from personal experience. I am trying to come back from some setbacks. And here are some things I’m trying that might be helpful for individuals and teams.

Feel the feelings

It is uncomfortable to fail. Failure can bring a whole host of emotional responses depending on the circumstances and the severity of the loss. So before addressing any practical actions, I invite you to feel the fuck out of your feelings.

I often talk to executive coaching clients about the importance of understanding how you best metabolize your emotions. Don’t repress, process. I’m a big one for processing with words. I’ll write about it, talk about it with close friends. Then I’ll move. I’ll walk, swim, bike, any repetitive movement that gets my heart rate up can help me process the less intellectual, more embodied parts of my experience. Then I’ll meditate, to really unlatch the door to my spirit and air out the emotional attic.

What are the ways you metabolize, process and sort through? This shouldn’t just be an intellectual exercise, check in with your heart, body and soul as well.

This can be done for a team. I would schedule Retros to look back at pitches or projects and one of the goals was just to give people a place to process their feelings.

Visit competence

When you feel like you’ve metabolized some of the bigger chunks of the emotional reaction to your loss, go do something you enjoy, preferably something you do well. Cook a good meal for friends. Do any hobby you’re good at, from knitting to open water swimming. Savor the experience of being good at something. If your failure includes interpersonal disappointment, spend time with people who make you feel good about yourself, old friends, little kids.

When I was in sales and lost a deal, I had certain clients I would call who reminded me I was good at my job. They were clients I liked, who liked me, where we had a mutual respect. And that double shot of competence and connection was very restorative.

For a team, try to get them to their competence place. With creatives I know that letting a team loose on a pro bono project can remind them of what they do well. A movie trivia night or pickleball tournament, anyplace where a team can play or create together can be a competence space.

Review. Is there something you could have done more skillfully? Are you sure?

Only then should you look at what you could have done differently. Review what happened, and try as be as realistic as possible. If you have a tendency to blame others, be aware of that and check yourself. If you have a tendency to blame yourself, be aware of that as well and course correct. If you’re not sure, this is a great place to get an expert’s opinion. It could be a coach or mentor, a trusted colleague or manager. Ideally, someone who can help balance out your tendency to accept or reject responsibility.

When I ran new business pitches and we lost, I would always try to get the person who led the pitch to give me feedback about what we could do better next time. Some of it was useful, some wasn’t, but I did learn many things that surprised me. The research that was supposed to make us look smart made us seem slow and pretentious, for example.

Often, a team will have great suggestions, if you make space for them to speak honestly about what they saw. Listening, reading back to them what you heard, and then incorporating their input where possible will make the team feel more empowered and valued.

If you do find out ways to improve, set them in motion. Hold yourself accountable. Schedule future check ins on progress or track it on a regular basis.

Don’t make the same mistakes again.

See the systemic

Once you’ve considered the particular, consider the systemic or the larger picture. A Black woman not getting hired for a job she’s well qualified for could be a result of racism or sexism, stemming from the systemic issue of white supremacy.

Big picture general factors come into play as well, a damaged economy, or cultural or business shifts. Sometimes we lost a pitch because another agency undercut us on price. If another agency was willing to lose money on a piece of business or lacked the integrity to tell the client the actual costs of doing business with them, then that was a bigger picture problem and unless we wanted to match that bad behavior, wasn’t something we could fix.

Dig deep and find your supporters

The final part of coming back from a setback is to regain your confidence. It could be your confidence in your group, your team, your business. It could be your team’s confidence in itself. Or it could be self-confidence.

A win makes everyone feel better. But you can’t always manufacture a win. Reframing the narrative about why you lost can help. Showing yourself or your team your specific plans to improve your results can build confidence.

Leaning into the positive is also good. What are you good at, where have you won in the past? Remind your team of what you all are capable of, build them up.

Talk to supporters, be it a partner, sibling, mentor or parent. Specifically ask for support. Remind yourself of the good stuff – move that award back onto your desk so it’s in your line of site while you work. 

Art can help. Watch movies where the underdog wins. I loved the movie Air about the unexpected success of Nike’s Air Jordan shoe. Others like films about underdog sports victories or movies about teams that make it through difficulties. I have certain songs that I play to cheer myself up. People talk about fight songs or the songs playing when you walk out on a stage. What’s your fight back song?

And remember, this too shall pass. It’s trite but tried and true.