Flashcard: Check yourself

Blind spots and emotional regulation or how not to be an asshole at work

What surprised me most about my graduate studies in transformational leadership was how much time we spent trying to understand ourselves. It seemed that every class had some variation of a personal history, assessment tool (MBTI, Enneagram, etc.) or, my most disliked, the self-reflection essay.

I went to grad school while I was working full time in management at a creative ad agency. I thought I knew myself and how I worked quite well, thank you, and didn’t need to do more self-reflection. Later, I realized my resistance was because there were some things I didn’t really want to examine.

Now that I’m an executive coach, I realize that my grad school program was right. Understanding ourselves, our motivations, weak spots and strengths is key to effective leadership.

Another key is being able to regulate our emotions. This means managing our emotional states, and the physical cues that our autonomic nervous system sends our brains so that we can behave at work in a way that is congruent with our values.

For some of us, this is hard.

Once I worked with a very talented creative director who didn’t know how to effectively regulate his emotions without marijuana. He’d come to work in the morning and spend hours radiating anger and frustration. His face was tense, his tone abrupt and angry, his phrases curt and cutting.

Then he’d go to lunch, get high in the parking lot and come back and be a delight to work with; his expression calm and welcoming, his voice relaxed, his words engaging and encouraging.

If he was my client now, I’d tell him there’s nothing wrong with smoking pot but that there are more effective ways to manage and regulate your emotions that don’t require getting high in the parking lot. And that if you are an asshole for most of the day, you should be starting the regulation process earlier.

First, you need to understand yourself. What is it that pisses you off? What makes you feel calm and connected? How do you react when threatened? How do you show up when you are dysregulated? How does that impact others?

Then you need to practice working with your emotional states so that you can function in a way that is supportive to yourself and the people around you. Or, at a minimum, not alienating.

There’s a concept called the Johari Window that’s worth googling. Basically, it says that we all have blind spots, things other people see about us that we don’t see or know about ourselves. The goal is to make your blind spot smaller. Think of any boss who has made a statement about how they work or what they believe that anyone who works for them knows is completely false. You all are looking at each other in disbelief at the company meeting and the boss is up there smugly believing that their self-assessment is accurate. That’s a blind spot.

How do you make your blind spot smaller? Clearly, executive coaching is a way to increase your understanding. But any relationship where people have permission to tell you the truth can help you learn about yourself. Your spouse, siblings, children, friends, anyone who is bold enough to call you out can help you learn more.  Therapy, meditation, journaling, various spiritual practices, even intentional movement like yoga or Tai chi can help you increase your self-awareness.

I read lots of things about self-awareness as a critical component of emotional intelligence. Self-regulation is something I hear less about. I’m reading a book called Anchored by Deb Dana, a practitioner of something called Polyvagel theory. The book is a primer on how your autonomic nervous system works and how to use it to calm yourself or bring yourself into greater connection.

In short, our nervous system is terrifically effective at sensing threat. We are constantly scanning our environment for the next lion or tiger who is going to rip our throat out. This happens automatically, incredibly quickly, and without our conscious understanding. I took my grandkids to the zoo last week and heard a low chuffing noise as we were rounding a corner. By the time I figured out it was a tiger in a cage making noise before a meal, every hair on my head was standing up and I had moved really close to the babies, and I was ready to go seriously primal.

When something happens that our body perceives as threat, we will get that surge of energy for fight or flight, or we will collapse and withdraw into ourselves.

While this is useful if you’re in the woods and a bear lumbers by, it’s less helpful when your body perceives an angry co-worker as a lethal threat.

On the other hand, when we get cues of safety, we relax. A tone of voice, a tilt of the head, a welcoming smile, the scent of a favorite meal. When we feel safe, our minds and our bodies can connect with others or nature, we feel happy and productive and work well with those around us. Some people may have a sense of “flow” or maximum effectiveness or creativity.

Emotions are contagious. If you are projecting cues of danger – anxiety, anger, fear, attack – everyone around you will be receiving those cues and reacting accordingly. If you are well regulated and creating a safe environment, you have more chance of getting those around you to sense safety and connect.

We all have emotions, and we won’t shut them off at work. The goal of understanding and regulating ourselves is not to get rid of emotions, but to be more skillful with them around others.

I often tell clients to name their emotions. If you come out of a bad meeting and are frustrated and have to go directly into another meeting with your team or co-workers, you could, if you’re the boss and leading the meeting, name your energy so they know what’s happening.

“I just got off a tough call, and I’m a little frustrated, but it has nothing to do with what’s happening right now, or this group or project.”

Their nervous systems are already aware that you have negative energy, even if their minds haven’t caught up. By naming it and being clear it’s not about them, you give them cues of safety and validate their experience without having to deny or ignore your own emotional state.

Here’s an exercise to try if you’re curious about this but not into reading a book on Polyvagel theory.

What are the emotions or circumstances that cause you the greatest dysregulation?

I find the short list is usually around fear; being disrespected; being shut down, silenced or ignored; or being controlled or powerless.

Pick your top three.

What do you do when you are experiencing one of those at work? Think of a specific incident. What did it feel like in your body? How did you react?

Did you shut down, withdraw, give up?

Did you get angry or feel a surge of energy to change, fix or manage a situation or person?

Or did you want to flee?

Are any of these responses a default for you? How does your default response impact the people around you?

If possible, check your answers with one of those people who can tell you the hard truths. If you have no idea how to answer these questions, I can guarantee your teenager will be able to answer them for you.

We are all going to have moments of dysregulation, it’s part of the human experience. Accepting them with compassion for yourself and others is a key step towards building emotional intelligence.