Flashcard: Overfunctioning

The art of allowing people the consequences of their choices

Soon after my first child was born, a friend of my mother’s visited. We weren’t especially close, but she knew my mother well enough to understand that she, my mother, wouldn’t be a resource for parenting advice. So, her friend gave me some that I still remember.

She told me that once my child could do something for himself, I should stop doing it for him.

“Once he can tie his own shoes, stop tying his shoes. Once he can do his own dishes, stop doing his dishes. Don’t do something for your children that they are capable of doing for themselves.”

She impressed me, this woman. She had children later in life and had a successful career before and after kids. This lesson seemed to be important to her, and it became important to me. I still remember where she sat in our little apartment, and that she was dressed for work.

I took her advice. Later I learned that this applies in business as well. The term of art I use for this behavior is ‘overfunctioning’. As in let’s not overfunction by doing for others what they can do for themselves.

Because I am a parent and grandparent, I use child rearing analogies. Which, I’ll say again, is not meant to infantilize people we work with, but to find an analogy that works for most people. Even if we aren’t parents, most of us know parents and probably have some young children in our lives.

Don’t do something for someone you work with if they can do it themselves. This often requires overriding your belief that you could do it better. When my daughter was young and she learned how to use the vacuum, she made it a game, raising patterns in the carpet as if she were drawing with the vacuum cleaner.

I almost told her to do it the way I did – in nice parallel lines - so she wouldn’t miss any spots. But then I realized that she was having fun, doing a chore cheerfully, and that most of the hallway would be covered with her process. Building her sense of mastery and responsibility was more important than removing stray bits of carpet lint in the corners of a hallway.

Yes, if we do something for another person we may do it faster, or more accurately than they will, at first. But we will be depriving them of the chance to learn and grow. And we might be depriving ourselves and our organization of the chance that their way might be better, or more innovative or more efficient than ours. At the very least, we will be chaining ourselves to a chore that could and should be delegated.

The corollary for this is to allow people the opportunity to experience the consequences of their actions wherever possible. If someone decides to procrastinate until the last minute to finish a critical work deliverable and you rush in to help them, staying late yourself, then they won’t have the opportunity to experience the consequences of their choices. If they have to stay up all night and possibly get criticized for a rushed job on the deliverable, then they are more likely to start earlier next time.

Of course, we can all think of the places where this isn’t appropriate, from operating rooms to the cockpits of airplanes. But overfunctioning is rampant at every level of organizations, and usually not necessary or helpful.

So why do people do it?

·      It is expected of us. Women are often expected to do the emotional labor in relationships, and the “housework” at the office. From getting coffee to managing emotional interns, the expectation is often that keeping everyone fed and happy is women’s work. Many of the middle-aged white guys who run most industries are used to women taking responsibility for managing relationships and fixing things. And often we don’t have the luxury of refusing. If you’re in this situation, try introducing the concept of overfunctioning to begin to educate people in your organization. Use a third party as an example. “What if we don’t rush in and finish Dan’s report like we always do? He’ll have to work over the weekend, but maybe next time he’ll get started earlier.”

·      It makes us feel important. Most of us have seen an office martyr. This person is always working, making a big noise about always working. They often take on the work of others. These champion overfunctioners can think that they are the only ones who can do a task correctly. Sometimes they want the social capital of being the rescuer, the one who can come in and save the day. Many can’t let go of projects or delegate effectively. If you see yourself in that description, realize that you risk disrespecting the people that work with you. If you keep taking tasks back that should be delegated, you are communicating that you don’t trust these other adults to do their jobs correctly. If you are a manager and people on your team really aren’t doing their job, then it’s up to you to teach them and coach them to be more effective rather than taking their responsibilities on yourself.

·      This is how we grew up. I’m an executive coach and not a therapist, so I rarely know anything about the families in which my clients learned about the world. But I have lived with people with alcoholism and addiction, and I understand that the family systems around those people are often full of overfunctioners. Sometimes they use the word “enabling” but it comes down to the same thing. If you fix it so that people don’t have the opportunity to feel the consequences of their choices, they are unlikely to change. But the fear of what happens if you don’t overfunction can be dialed up to panic for people who grew up with alcoholics or addicts, even if they are now in a work situation with no alcoholism or addiction.

Here’s a quick check list for overfunctioning. Have any of the following happened to you? If yes, then ask yourself the questions in italics.

·      You feel burnt-out, overworked, and/or resent others for not pulling their weight. Ask yourself how much of the work that contributes to your overwork isn’t actually yours to do?

·      You’ve been told that people that work for you don’t feel like they are building skills, or getting the coaching they want from you. Are you giving them opportunities to try new things? Are you letting them do things differently than you might as long as the results are similar?

·      People on your team aren’t pulling their weight because you come and rescue them and finish their work. Why do you do this? What does it serve for you emotionally to do this? What is the price you pay? Are you willing to continue to pay that price?

Just as there is a fine line between codependence and kindness, there is lots of gray area around overfunctioning. What one person might consider overfunctioning, another may think of as helpful teamwork. If you’re still unclear, try checking in with a peer or mentor at work or with a coach or advisor and see if they think you are overfunctioning.

It can be challenging to understand where, how, and why you overfunction, but if you can change that behavior it will benefit you and everyone on your team.