Flashcard: Show some tooth

An anger audit

I’m reading a book called “The Myth of Normal” by Gabor and David Maté. They tell a story about a woman who is an OBGYN who herself suffers from a host of illnesses and ailments brought about by the stress of her job. In addition to crazy hours and intense emotional pressure, she recounts being sexually harassed throughout medical school.

Oh, right, I thought, being sexually harassed for years and not being able to address it, stop it or change jobs can mess with your health. That happened to me.

It was one of those moments when I am reminded how different my work experience has been compared to my white male colleagues. Just as my experience is different than that of women of color.

One of the places I see this difference most is in how we are – or are not – allowed to express anger at work. I’m not talking about rage or the professional bullies who yell, scream, berate and throw things. I’m talking about the professionally appropriate, moderate communication of frustration, disappointment or anger. Which many women struggle with, including me.

It can take a while to navigate the cultural restrictions about how and when we are allowed to express anger. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been called a bitch at work I’d have enough money for first class airfare to Europe.

Anger is a much maligned but valuable emotional cue. It’s also fuel for important boundary setting. I am more likely to protect myself or another person if I’m angry. Anger is the jet fuel of emotions.

But many of us – and not just women – are told by our cultures, families, or religious traditions that we shouldn’t feel or express anger. Uncovering these old strictures and painstakingly picking them apart to understand what serves us now as professional adults is hard but important work.

The Flashcard term I use for the appropriate use of anger at work is “Show some tooth.”

Have you ever seen a puppy with an older dog, usually the mother? A puppy will jump up and down, body slam the older dog and be largely ignored. Until the puppy’s sharp teeth land on the mother’s tender ear.

At that point, the older dog will usually raise a lip and show some teeth. Maybe with a growl. It’s not a full-on bared teeth threat. It’s just a lip lift meant to remind the puppy that there are some things that are not allowed.

What’s our human version of the showing some teeth? How do we express disapproval in a way that clarifies the boundary and expresses the beginning of anger without going full throttle into rage? Can we do this while still maintaining a climate of emotional safety?

Try an Anger Audit.  

First, we need to do the work of understanding what stories we were told about who gets to be angry and what anger looks like. Start with the family and community where you grew up. Understand this can be fraught for people who grew up with abusive caregivers.

Ask yourself who got to be angry, how that anger was expressed and any specific instances where anger was expressed skillfully or unskillfully.

Yes, anger can be expressed skillfully. I have used anger to make sure that people I love get the care they need in a hospital where staff is not doing their jobs. After advocating for my best friend’s baby to be given some kind of pain medicine when she was in the hospital with encephalitis, my friend was asked more than once if I was returning – as in, whatever you do, keep your tall angry friend out of the ward. But the baby got the meds she needed.

Look through your life and try to surface narratives around anger. School, work, relationships – what did we learn about how and if we were allowed to be angry? How were we socialized to express anger? How do we react now to anger – our own or that of another?

For many of us, it’s hard to express anger. Some people get anxious, or feel frozen. Others may tip into rage or unskillful behaviors. If you could write up your anger register as a continuum where is the green zone – where you can self-regulate, behave in a way that is congruent with your values? Where is the yellow zone where it is harder to manage your emotions? And where is the red zone where you can’t be skillful or moderated? What can you do to make your green zone bigger? What are the best ways for you to self-regulate to move from red to yellow to green? Do you need time, or movement, or a place to vent outside of work?

The goal of the audit is get to a place where you can be intentional about how and when you express anger at work, to develop a work ideal. My work ideal for anger is to never raise my voice, name what I’m angry about clearly, use I statements, and try to stay curious and not get stuck in my own narratives. I don’t ever want to shame another person, but I do want to set clear expectations.

Because you are going to need to be able to protect yourself, your team, your objectives. And there will come a time where you’ll be glad of that jet fuel or motivation anger can provide.

Here are some ways to “show a little tooth” that I’ve recommended to some of my executive coaching clients.

1.     Use the pause. Quiet spaces in conversations can make people uncomfortable. Use them. If someone says something offensive or questionable you can say “Excuse me?” with a bit of an edge and then just wait. Let the silence sit there. Often, the person who said the ill-advised thing will realize their error and recant or mumble “nothing” and move on.

2.     Use your voice like the instrument it is. We’re wired to respond differently to deeper voices. Most of us have a normal vocal register – try to go to the deeper end of your vocal register. You’re not going for a bizarre Elizabeth Holmes level fake voice. You just want to go a little lower than usual if you can.

3.     Try curiosity with an edge. I will sometimes convey frustration by asking the question “Help me to understand….” It’s an innocuous question, and I think curiosity is a very skillful way to address a brewing difference of opinion. “Help me understand why you didn’t finish the presentation by the due date?” It is a useful question, because if the answer is “I was in a car accident and just got back from the hospital” then you have important information that will modulate your response. If the answer is waffling or defensive, you also have valuable information. Holding people accountable is always a good start.

4.     Referring to your Anger continuum above, be clear about what to do when you get too angry to be professional. And go do that thing. It’s perfectly appropriate to say “This is getting a little heated, I need to take a break” and then leave the office, or video call.

Remember, anger is fuel and properly channeled can protect you.