High Intensity Listening

Why do some interactions wipe you out?

I’ve spent a big portion of my life in meetings. In person, on video, in conference rooms, at conferences. So many meetings. And I had a pretty good understanding of the physical and mental toll of those meetings. Facilitating big meetings or presenting – tiring. Attending, less tiring, although as an introvert being around other people is always a bit enervating.

My equation was length of task + complexity of task = fatigue level.

This equation helped me plan my recovery time and set expectations for myself.

Then I started doing executive coaching. And I was surprised at how exhausted I was after a one-hour coaching session. It was sixty minutes, with one person. The complexity of meeting with one client and spending most of my time listening was much less than, say, facilitating a leadership team meeting of ten people. I thought my level of exertion should have been less, but it was more. Why?

Listening intently is hard. It’s like the HIIT of meetings. HIIT is High Intensity Interval Training where you sprint hard for short periods to build strength and stamina. Listening carefully, attentively, and strategically is the sprint of meetings.

Listening strategically means I am hearing what my client is saying while I’m thinking about how that information fits. Are they moving in a different direction in the relationship they are describing? Is this an unhelpful narrative bubbling up? What might be underneath what’s happening now? What is the best way I can assist them at this moment? How do they learn and how can I support that learning style in any follow up questions or response?

It's like the kind of listening I used to do in meetings was in 2D and this listening is in 3D – exponentially more complex and nuanced. But sprint listening isn’t the only taxing skill we need to call upon.

Occasionally we need to do some emotional regulation in a meeting. All of us do this, consciously or not. Someone says or does something, and we react emotionally. We might be irritated or hurt, pleased or afraid. It might not even be about the here and now – we could be reminded about a past hurt or experience. Every time I see a man cut a woman off in a meeting or take credit for her idea, I have an outsized emotional reaction because of all the times that has happened to me. We have a feeling. Sometimes that feeling is intense. Usually, the meeting itself isn’t the time or place to name or process that feeling. So, we have to regulate. I have to take a breath and calm down, ask myself what an appropriate, thoughtful response might be or if one is even required.

If you’re listening intently and strategically and then need to regulate your emotions it’s like doing a high intensity sprint and someone hands you a heavy weight to carry while you’re sprinting. You’re going to be wrung out when you’re done.

My new equation is length of task + complexity of task + level of exertion = fatigue level.

The level of exertion gets to the intellectual and emotional heavy lifting that isn’t connected to the task itself or it’s duration. That would include strategic, focused listening and any emotional regulation. But other things can add to that level of exertion.  Neurodiverse people talk about “masking” to minimize their natural presentation in certain circumstances to appear more “normal.” What, to a neurotypical person, might be an easy interaction, could, for a neurodiverse person, have a high level of exertion because it requires energy to suppress or exaggerate styles of communication that aren’t their usual way of interacting.

Many of us “mask” to appear “normal.” After my son died, I spent so much energy trying to appear normal and not ravaged by grief that I was exhausted all the time. Hiding grief, or anxiety, or illness, is exhausting. Code switching to feel safer in a dominant culture when you’re in a minority can be exhausting.

I’ve coached quite a few CEOs and many of them talk about the fact that it is, indeed, lonely at the top. That’s one of the reasons CEOs need confidantes. The level of exertion required to keep a professional affect as a leader can be significant. Often it’s not appropriate for you to react as you might have when you were a middle manager or among peers. There’s the standard emotional regulation as well as the leadership factor. Because you have more power, your responses carry more weight, and intentional leaders are mindful of this.

Understanding this dynamic, especially if your role or job has changed like mine did when I started coaching years ago, is useful. We all tell ourselves stories and “I’m exhausted because this day had a high level of exertion” is a more accurate narrative than “I don’t know why I’m so tired – maybe I’m not suited for this new role.”

We can also then plan more accurately and build in time to recuperate. I led a day long retreat on decision making earlier this month. It was delightful, but a high level of exertion because it was a big group, an entire day, and I intentionally did a “choose your own adventure” format so the group could decide how they wanted to spend their time, which kept me on my toes. It was a very rewarding experience, but I was really glad that I had the foresight to keep my calendar clear so all I had to do the following day was rest. And do actual HIIT sprints in the real pool after the metaphorical ones the day before.