“How are you just going on with your f*c&ing life?”

When the mass psychology of grief shows up at work

Daily News

I have mixed feelings about social media and how it impacts us. That said, I have learned quite a bit in that arena. Today, I was struck by some things Emily Amick said. She’s an attorney and posts about politics and political communications on Instagram at emilyinyourphone.

“When you are grieving, you have this myopic point of view. You don’t understand how anyone else is doing anything other than being upset about this. ‘How dare you talk to me about this other thing. How can you not understand what’s happening to me? How are you just going on with your little fucking life.... when this horrible thing is happening to me…’ That’s grief.”

I know that sensation. Most of us know that, or will. I remember right after my son died I looked at a newspaper and was surprised his death wasn’t on the front page. I couldn’t understand that there was other news, that he wasn’t in the paper at all, I literally couldn’t process it.

Emily goes on to say that because of social media, many of us form very strong “parasocial” relationships. We feel really connected to people we see on social media. Their joys, heartaches, outfits, break-ups, and losses mean something to us.

She says “We are forming bonds with people across the world. We are learning about human experiences and we are creating these connections to deaths and wars….this has never happened in our society.”

This “mass psychology” of grief is a “new aspect of what we are experiencing.”

She goes on to talk about how this impacts political communications, and ultimately foreign policy. I want to look at how this impacts work.

We understand that people are grieving when they lose a loved one, or a marriage ends, or when a pet dies. I don’t know that we all understand the depth and breadth of the grief that comes when an entire community is dying or being threatened.

I was talking about this with a friend today, a business leader. He was doing some work on a college campus recently and the students held a protest about the attacks on Gaza. The students lay on the ground as a protest. “They lay down on the ground. At our feet,” he said. My friend, who is in his fifties, said that grief was exactly what the protestors were communicating to the older people – how can you do work when this horrible thing is happening? How are you just going on with your fucking life? How can you do anything else but try to stop Palestinian children and civilians being slaughtered?

The mass psychology of grief on college campuses is clear to anyone who is near a college campus, at least in my part of the world. That mass psychology of grief is also happening at work. It’s been happening at work. And I think that many leaders, especially older white leaders, aren’t sure what to do about it. They have empathy, sympathy, they may fully agree with the people who are grieving. And yet they have businesses to run, tasks to accomplish, projects to complete.

If you’re a leader, and people that work for and with you are experiencing a grief reaction to what’s happening in the world, what can you do?

This frame, that someone who is deep in grief can’t imagine how the rest of us are going on with our little fucking lives, is a good place to start. Understand that these people are grieving. Their suffering is genuine. They might not have perspective, or the capacity to do much else besides grieve.

Don’t judge their grief. Judgement and comparison ARE never helpful, and just drive people farther apart. Validate. Everyone’s suffering is real.

Get curious. What would be helpful to them? What do they need? Just asking and listening can be healing.  

Set clear boundaries. If you can do some of what you are asked to do, do it. If you can’t, then be clear about why you cannot. Accommodate where you can, and be clear about what that looks like and how long it will last. If you work in the for-profit, corporate world, you have guidelines already. They’re not great, but people who aren’t able to continue to do their work because of emotional difficulties might need to take a leave of absence or change their role or leave.

Manage your own emotions and stay regulated. This can be difficult. The social media space isn’t known for nuance. I’ve seen plenty of posts or commentary that if you don’t do these specific actions and take this particular position you support – fill in evil action or system or war crime here. That can be really activating, especially to people who are intentional about supporting a variety of causes, financially and otherwise.  

Metabolize your own grief. It’s harder to be balanced and accepting of someone else’s grief, especially if you have judgement about the source of it, if you have old wounds that you don’t feel were validated. We compare. It’s human nature, but it’s not helpful. “Why are you upset about people on the other side of the world when I’ve had to care for my father with dementia with no help for the last three years and no one at this office has lifted a finger” is the kind of understandable but unskillful comparison that lurks beneath the surface too often.

If we have metabolized our own hurts as much as we can, if we’re regulated, then we can stay calm. And we can try to be kind and access whatever compassion we have for people who are suffering. Whoever they are, and however they express it. Then we can set the boundaries or guidelines we need to as leaders from a place of intention rather than reaction.

If you want more about this topic, Eugene and I explore it in our latest podcast at badbossbrief.substack.com