Quiet

The power of silence

We live in a very talkative age. People talking on screens, in person, on Zoom. Social media videos of people talking while walking, talking while putting on or taking off makeup, people on stages talking.

Which makes silence the ultimate power move.

Silence as co-creation

As an executive coach, part of what I try to understand is how my clients take in information. Some process by talking through, others need pauses while they consider. Some take notes. I have a few clients who will take breaks in our coaching sessions and be quiet. They are thinking, or jotting something down, or just taking a moment.

I’ve been doing this long enough that I’m comfortable with the quiet. It feels rich with fuel to germinate new ideas or ways of acting.

It also shows my client that I can match my style to theirs. This kind of conversational attunement doesn't happen much in our chatty culture.

 If you think about speaking with another person as a kind of dance that you are doing together, then of course you are going to match your style to the other person’s. You’re going to pay attention, so you don’t step on their toes.

But if you are a solo performer, then you won’t pay attention to the other person. You don’t need to. Think of social media again. The person on screen saying what they think or feel clearly wants you to watch or interact. But it’s not something they are doing with you, there’s no co-creation only consumption.

Do you have a natural conversational style? Do you attune yourself to the person with whom you are speaking? If not, would you be open to trying it? I find children are more open to conversational pauses and being attuned to a child in your life is always a gift to the child.

When I can sit quietly with another person, I am showing that I am co-creating something with them. I’m not asserting my control. When I can rest into that silence and not think of it as a problem to be solved or a void to fill then I am demonstrating confidence.

Silence as power move

My refrain in any negotiation training is always “ask for the money and stop talking.” I lead an exercise where people pair up and set a timer for sixty seconds. One person asks for a specific amount – for a salary or a specific product they are selling – and then stops talking. And the pair sits in silence for sixty seconds.

Most people hate this exercise.

“What am I supposed to do with my hands? What do I look at? Should I just stare at them?”

People are conditioned, especially women, to fill in the silences. We are conditioned to manage relationships and feeling states of the people around us. And silence is uncomfortable for many people. Which means letting silence just exist is a power move.

And it works. I’ve negotiated for many things over the years, and I learned to ask for the money and stop talking myself because it showed confidence – even if I didn’t feel confident.

Like any other skill, you have to practice it, but it’s worth the time and discomfort.

Silence as Fuel

It’s not an accident that many spiritual traditions embrace silence. Silent meditation, silent retreats, moments of silence. It can be restful. It can also be revealing. When I’m quiet, I can see or hear things in my interior world that might have been drowned out if there was some other noise in my ears.

The older I get, the more silence I have around me. I used to listen to the news in the morning, now I breakfast in silence. I like quiet when I work. Right now, the only sound is my fingers on the keyboard and the occasional sound of a plane in the distance. I’m aware of the birds outside and notice when the trash truck comes by to pick up the recycling. I’m grounded in my environment, my neighborhood, and my body. Which is a good place to start.

It might be daunting

Silence can be unnerving. Pauses in conversations can be awkward. Another phrase I use in trainings is to embrace the discomfort.

Think about silence as something that supports reflection and rest.  If you are scrolling through social media with the sound off it’s not a reflective silence because of the visual noise. Think of the places you automatically reach for noise. Now try quiet. See how you experience the difference.

Don’t get me wrong. I love to listen to music and podcasts. I garden in increments of one hour while listening to podcasts that last an hour. I’m not aiming for Trappist monk silence. I just want to be intentional about fostering an environment that welcomes silence, whether I’m on my own or with another person.