Respect

Who gets it, when and why?

I was a difficult teenager. My mother would tell me to treat her with more respect. I would respond that she should do something that I respected.

That still resonates for me. Respect me because society says so, because the title I have dictates respect has never been a very compelling rationale for me.

Who has authority at work and why? How much respect are we required to give to leaders because of their position, regardless of their abilities or skill?

I’ve heard people say that they treat the office of the President of the United States with respect and refer to the occupant as Mr. President because they respect the institution, even if they don’t respect the man.

And, apparently, even if the man doesn’t respect the institution.

Should we respect the office even if the man in it is a scoundrel? 

“Ok. You’re the boss.” This is something I said when I was younger to bosses after a disagreement. I said it with a veneer of professionalism over a seething chasm of contempt. If the only way a boss could get me to go along with his bad idea was to pull the authority card, then I had contempt for him.

I’ve been in a few conversations lately with people my age who don’t understand how their grown children can be so frustrated with them, the parents, when they, the grown children, have had lives that are so much easier than ours were. Isn’t that what every generation thinks that the young have it so much easier?

Or are we holding onto the idea my mother favored, that because we are the elders we deserve respect?

What if we as the older ones, the leaders, the parents and grandparents, the CEOs and senior managers tried to earn the respect of those younger people in our lives? Not earning respect based on our value system but on theirs.

I could insert a bulleted list here of what’s important to young people today. But then I’m claiming an authority and understanding that I haven’t earned.

Make your own list. Do research with the young people in your workplace. Ask more questions. Do you know what the people that work for you need to feel valued and included? What inspires them? How do they want you to lead? How do they learn?

If you think you already know, why do you think you’re correct? Validating our assumptions is critical, because no person, regardless of their age or experience, likes to be told what they want and think by someone who hasn’t bothered to ask them. And is, as a result, wrong.

Yes, I have pulled the boss card. There are times and places where it is necessary and appropriate to step into the authority you have and use it.  Circumstances arise where the team needs a leader who isn’t afraid to lead, to make a hard choice, to take a stand. The leaders who whiff those moments, who waffle and whine, lose everyone’s respect, and that respect won’t be coming back.

Of course, the young are also frustrated with the old. I’ve heard plenty of comments about people in their sixties and older and the way they’ve ruined the planet and our political system and lucked into home ownership and financial stability that are impossible for everyone else in this time and place. A friend of mine in his thirties who worked at Amazon told me that he had really pushed his boss to hire an older person, and the older person had not been great, and my friend was concerned that now his boss would never hire an older person again.

How old was the older person? In his early forties.

We need to work together. Here are some things you can do to earn the respect of people that work for and with you, even where you are more aware of what separates you than what connects you.

·      Ask lots of questions. Understand what is important to others. How do they learn? What makes them feel valued? What motivates them and how do they like to give and receive feedback?

·      Don’t judge. I’m prone to judgement myself, so I get it. But everything a person does makes sense to that person. It has meaning to them. You may not understand why a particular issue is so important to another person, and you may want to dismiss their energy as foolish or misguided. But it makes sense to them. Figure out why.

·      Work as hard as they do.  If you’re asking a team or a person to stay late, stay late with them or, at the very least, see that they have food, a safe way home, and some comp time when they’re done. The only time I went home first was when I had to present the next day – all of the pitch team had to get some rest, even if others had to work late. And those left working late ate well.

·      Be kind. All the time.

·      Teach, mentor, guide. Most people want to learn at work. Some of the bosses I most respected went out of their way to teach and mentor me. I appreciated the effort, and tried to pay that forward when I was a boss. I have also learned from people who were junior to me, who took the time to share their experience and skill set, and I appreciated it.

·      Examine your narratives and be open to reframing those that are not helpful. We all have stories we tell ourselves about the generations before and after ours. Some are humorous, many are based in truth. They make good memes and punchy social media content. But they can be destructive at work. If you really think people in a different generation are entitled or misguided or focused on the wrong thing or out of touch, that’s going to leak out in your interactions with them.

I think people my age and older have not done a good job as stewards of the planet, our political system or our communities. I look forward to the time we are out of power and the younger generations can take the reins. I hope they can save us. I have confidence in them, and I like them, and am curious about their interests and perspective.  The last team I managed was all in their twenties and thirties, and I enjoyed working with them. It was one of the best work experiences of my career. And maybe my fundamental assumption that they were the standard bearers for all the good change to come leaked through as well, maybe they felt that I respected them. And they returned the favor.