Shame

People who grow up in families and cultures rooted in shame and shaming bring that mentality to work. Often, they don’t even know they are doing it. 

bell hooks said “Shaming is one of the deepest tools of imperialist, white supremacist, capitalist patriarchy because shame produces trauma and trauma often produces paralysis.”

If, as hooks states, shaming is one of the “deepest tools” of capitalism, then we need to assume that most work environments are rife with shame and shaming. That is certainly what I’ve observed, as a worker, manager, consultant, and executive coach.

I link shame and shaming because someone who has been shamed will often automatically turn around and shame others, often without understanding what they are doing. It permeates everything; their world view, their values, their concept of themselves, their society and, of course, how they work. Rarely is there one without the other. The shamed will shame.

Those of us who have been shamed, in families, cultures, or workplaces – which, I’m guessing, is most of us – often internalize the shame, which acts like termites on our confidence, efficacy and growth, silently gnawing away. I see this especially with women. Others project that internalized shame out, becoming hyper-critical of others.

The concept of shame has been widely discussed through the research and writing of Brené Brown. But people often miss how prevalent it is at work. Or they think shame is an interpersonal baggage or affliction that can be combatted with positive thinking and self-help. I agree with hooks – shame and shaming is an enforcement mechanism of the powers that be.

So much of our life runs through social media platforms which are veritable shame fountains, and it’s difficult to entirely leave that behind when you go to work. If I see outright shaming going on throughout LinkedIn, is it any wonder that it shows up at the office?

Clearly, there’s more to unpack here than can be done in one substack. So, I’m going to focus on a couple of ways that shame shows up at work and some ways to reframe your narratives around shame.

Perfectionism is the belief that there is one right way to do things, and any deviation from that putative ideal is wrong. Shameful. Since the lens of what is right and acceptable is set by the dominant culture, anyone who is considered to be outside of that culture can’t succeed by that standard. Perfectionism can be internalized, and we berate and drive ourselves.

Perfectionism can be stifling in many ways, but it also hurts creativity. Doing something like everyone else has always done it is not generally conducive to innovation or creative leaps.

Ad hominem. An ad hominem attack is one that impugns a person’s character with high octane emotional language, rather than addressing any specific lack of skill or mistake.

“I disagree with you, but I see you have a different perspective about this topic, and feel deeply about it as well” is different that “If you believe this thing (rather than what I believe) you are (insert invective and hyperbole here).” If you don’t think like I do, or like a group has decided you should think you are awful, terrible, reprehensible.

If your goal is to ride a social media algorithm to greater heights, then, yes, that is an effective way to go. But if you intend to live in any kind of community, from a workplace to a soccer team to a meditation hall, you’re going to have trouble with the ad hominem attacks.

"Beloved community is formed not by the eradication of difference but by its affirmation, by each of us claiming the identities and cultural legacies that shape who we are and how we live in the world." bell hooks

Even if the community in which you are moving isn’t beloved, even if it’s just your job or where you go for recreation, you can still practice kindness, curiosity, and tolerance.

Fear. Workplaces that are managed by shame and shaming are often rife with fear. In these workplaces people don’t take risks, and they don’t function well. Terror takes up so much emotional and intellectual bandwidth, people end up in a metaphorical defensive crouch.

These workplaces often have lots of gossip, since people aren’t sure of where they stand, since any overt or covert standards for success are subjective and biased. Shame is such a terrible feeling, it is so antithetical to our need for connection and community, that people get very afraid of doing anything that will get them shamed.

What can you do if you work in a place that’s managed by shame and shaming?

First, understand that is what’s happening. Which means it’s not you, it’s the system in which you work. Not just the specific work culture, but that work culture in a capitalist, white supremacist, patriarchal system.

If you are in a position to change it or leave, then consider that. If you aren’t, then start by doing your own personal work about how shame might unsettle you. Understanding shame as an enforcement mechanism and a construct rather than any reality about you as a person may be a helpful starting point.

If you are in leadership, you will also benefit from your own personal work around your history of shame and shaming. But if you want to change the culture of the place you lead, you would benefit from some outside help – consulting or executive coaching.

Try this. Do a quick shame audit. Take a day, or even a part of a day, and think about ways in which shame and shaming came up for you. Was it, like it was for me, scrolling social media? Was it at work, feeling like you’re not good enough? Was it with your partner or children or other family member when you made an unskillful remark? Did something you saw in the media cause you shame, a portrayal of a character or a celebrity that made you feel less than, wrong? See it. Name it. Feel it.

This will be uncomfortable. But it can be useful. I’ve seen many people, including myself, whirl around trying to “improve” or “get better” or “evolve” to match unreasonable standards set by a dominant culture or industry that wants me to get in line, or to buy something to erase the shame. As an older woman, almost every ad I get online is asking me to buy something to manage something I’m being told is shameful, from bad armpits to old lady odor to puffy legs. It’s big business to get us to feel ashamed of how our bodies age, or change.

And for many organizations, shame is a way to keep employees tractable, productive, sitting at their desks in a soulless space.

But shame only works if we believe it, if we buy in, if we allow that enforcement.