The Introvert's Survival Guide to Summer
At work or at play, some of us need a little time alone
It’s summer. Kids are out of school, families and friends are gathering for barbeques and potlucks, weddings and graduations. If you’re an extrovert, contemplating months of people filled activities might be inviting or exciting.
For introverts like me, it can be daunting. So, here’s a Summer Survival Guide for Introverts, which might also be useful for the people who work with and live with introverts.
Introvert or extrovert?
First, let’s be clear about what an introvert is. Extroverts get energy from being with people. It charges their emotional batteries. Introverts spend energy being with people and need solitude or quiet to recharge. It’s that simple.
Because I enjoy being around others and like working with people, I thought I was an extrovert for years, until I read that description. It had never occurred to me that people could get energy from being around others, since I found it completely draining. It doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy it. It just meant that it wore me out.
Introverts can be hard for others to recognize. While plenty of us are reserved or shy, many aren’t. I’d never describe myself as the life of the party, but I am fine being in a crowd or leading a group. I have friends who are extroverts who still enjoy their solitude. It’s not binary. Which is why I like the simple test of where you get your energy, and what restores it.
Are you an introvert or an extrovert? That’s the first thing to do. Understand what you are so you can plan accordingly.
You teach people how to treat you
Since I don’t fit into the preconceived notions of what an introvert acts like, I often have to be clear about what I need. We had some extroverted guests recently, and after a few hours of conversation I needed a break. One of the guests suggested a walk in the lovely summer evening. I said I’d hang back and water the garden. One of the other guests offered to stay and visit with me.
To her, this was a kindness. For her, being left alone to do a chore while the rest of the party went on a walk would be unpleasant. She couldn’t understand that for me it was a relief.
“I’m actually deeply introverted,” I said, “And I need some time to myself.”
She blinked, unable to take this in, but went out with the others to take a walk. I stood in my backyard watering, soaking in the quiet, while the plants soaked in the water.
When I was younger, I wouldn’t have done that. Now I know that it’s up to me to set the boundaries, and that someone else’s confusion isn’t mine to fix. We had been chatting for hours, and chatted for hours after they returned from their walk. I needed that respite to be a good host. Building in moments to recharge makes me more effective.
I now know my capacity for being around people and plan for it. Know how much time you need to recharge, and build it in where possible. When we travel, we stay in our own place because my partner – also an introvert – and I need lots of breathing room from even the most beloved family.
An extrovert friend just told me with excitement how she and her extended family were going on vacation in a large, shared rental house. Kids, in-laws, grandkids, aunts and uncles. She can’t wait. I told her that would be the vacation equivalent of a root canal for me. She laughed, but we know this about each other.
Having kids at home more when school is out can also be tough if some of your valuable alone time is predicated on the kids being in school. You can explain that you need breaks to extroverted kids, or, if you’re lucky, you’ll have kids who like some quiet time too. Make it fun, have cool new projects that they can do quietly in their space. Every child who has spent the night in my house understands that Stephanie likes quiet time in the morning until she’s adequately caffeinated. Whether they call me Mom, Auntie, or Nana, they learn that long explanations of how photosynthesis works, or exuberant percussion noises need to wait until after breakfast.
I do the same at work. When I facilitate a daylong session, I build in breaks for myself. I’ll eat lunch on my own where possible, or step away during one of the session breaks. I facilitate with introverts in mind, and always have at least one quiet exercise, where people think in silence and write down their ideas and then we share them later.
We don’t always get to call the shots at work or social gatherings, so here are some quick escape tips.
Social:
1. Sneak away. If you can, just step away from a gathering. Take a walk, find a quiet nook. Even a brief break can be restorative. One of the reasons I loved smoking cigarettes is that it gave me a ready-made excuse to leave and go outside. After I quit, I realized I was still allowed to step outside for a few minutes.
2. Do something useful. Alone. Often when I offer to clear up or do dishes, take out the trash or walk around with a fussy baby, people think I’m being helpful, but I’m also getting some time to myself. Chores can give us an excuse to step away.
Work:
3. Be sure there are guidelines at work events. I generally ask for group sessions to go no longer than 90 minutes. I don’t think a group can work together effectively for longer than that without a break, but even if they can, I don’t want to. You may not be the boss, but you can ask for the length of a session, and suggest that any marathon work events be broken up with real breaks. A real break, to me, is one in which everyone has the option to step away. A break that involves everyone staying in the same room and eating baked goods isn’t actually a break to an introvert.
4. Pretend work. If your day is managed by clueless extroverts and you can’t get them to wedge in a substantial break, think about making one up. “I have an important client thing” could also mean it is important for me to take a break so I can have some modicum of energy left in my depleted soul for a client call if one comes.
One of the reasons it took me so long to advocate for myself around getting the quiet I needed to recharge was that I didn’t take it seriously. I wouldn’t go all day without eating, I wouldn’t agree to a work schedule that didn’t include a night’s sleep, even if I worked with colleagues who could happily forgo a meal or sleep. We all know the value of food and rest, fuel and recovery. Now I understand that space and silence are just as important for me - and other introverts like me –as food and sleep, so I prioritize accordingly.