Thin Skin

How safe are you? Use this scale to prepare for the tough stuff

“I should develop thicker skin.”

I heard that phrase again this week and it got me thinking. I don’t think our job is to change our skin, or our personality or to file off the sensitive tender parts of our psyche. For one, it’s painful. Two, it’s often not productive, moving away from being who we truly are to some version of ourselves that is more palatable to the dominant cultural norms.

Because that’s where this phrase comes from, right? We’re told to “toughen up” not to “be so sensitive.” As if the superpower of having access to your emotions, being connected to and concerned about the beings about you, were a weakness rather than a strength.

So, no, don’t toughen up or develop thicker skin.

Instead, garb appropriately.

I don’t ride motorcycles anymore, but when I did, I wouldn’t wear a t-shirt on a bike on the highway. The experienced motorcycle enthusiasts I know wear heavy leather even in the warmest weather in case they crash.

Don’t change your skin. Change your outfit. Determine the level of threat you are under and dress accordingly.

First, you have to understand the danger you are in. You need to accurately assess the level of threat, the likelihood in any situation that your vehicle will slip out from beneath you and you will come in contact with the road.

This is hard. For many of us we’ve been told for most of our lives that our accurate assessment of threat is wrong or overblown. You’re not actually feeling pain, physical or emotional, you’re exaggerating, you’re being dramatic. This is just how the world is, get over yourself. You’re too sensitive. So, we stop feeling, we tune out those internal alarms that signal threat or danger. And then we wonder why we can’t sleep, or our stomach hurts, or we keep having headaches.

The Safety Scale

Try this. You will be in a number of situations over the next 24 hours. On a scale of 1-10, how much psychological safety will you have in each setting? 1 being little to no safety, 75 miles an hour on a rainy night on an old motorcycle. 10 being perfectly safe, driving up your driveway on a sunny summer evening in your SUV listening to your favorite song.

Dress accordingly. T-shirt and shorts for the 10 situation, full on Kevlar jumpsuit and helmet for the 1 scenario.

What does that mean? A t-shirt means you need no protection. You’re safe, you are with caring and attuned people. You can be your full and authentic self, you can move freely, speak openly, and connect in whatever ways you want with others. Rarely is this going to be at your workplace, but you might be one of the lucky few who has that level of safety at work. For most of us, that is going to be with friends or family, or fulfilling solo pursuits. Me, right now, writing in my office on a cloudy morning, I’m full 10. This is my happy place, I enjoy being alone, and I’m doing my favorite kind of work.

If you have scenarios in your day where your safety is in the middle of the scale, you’ll need more protection. Maybe you work at a place where your colleagues are supportive, but the organizational culture or leadership is challenging. You should be intentional about how you protect yourself. Maybe don’t confide in people there, especially if you’re talking about conflict with another person at work. Do you need to tell them about your personal life, what is important to you? For years I worked at places that were 3-5 on the safety scale and I reminded myself that the people I worked with weren’t my friends. I tried to be kind, professional, helpful, but I was clear in my mind that my real connections and support came from my actual friends and family outside of work.

Hopefully, your least safe interactions are not at home. But, sadly, they might be. Which is useful information to have, and it’s good to acknowledge that so you can try to make a plan to leave, even if it’s a long-term plan.

But usually that low on the scale situation is going to be at work when you ask your bad boss to stop harassing you or in an interaction with a system, like the judicial system or the health care system.

Your protection is going to vary by circumstance, but here are some Kevlar maximum protection tactics. By the way, Kevlar was invented by a woman, Stephanie Kwolek. Which seems fitting.

· Get help. Bring someone with you. This might be someone from HR or a good lawyer at work, or it might be a friend who can advocate for you in a medical setting. Having been the health care advocate friend, I can personally attest to the benefit of having a tall, determined friend chasing down pain meds for your baby from the medical staff.

· Gather your thoughts. Be careful about your narratives and assumptions. What other people think of you isn’t always true. Awful people have to go home and look at their faces in the mirror and see the awful in their own eyes. Their home lives usually reflect that poison as well. I’ve been dismissed, demeaned, demoted and vilified at work, but that was never the truth about me. If you pray, pray, if you set intentions, do so, if you carry a symbolic reminder of who you are and who loves you, grab on to it. Bring your ancestors. That helps me.

· Give yourself time. Don’t get pressed into making decisions or agreeing to things in an unsafe situation. “I’ll need to sleep on that and get back to you tomorrow” is a great line. Don’t sign anything, or agree to anything under duress. Wait.

· Prepare. Understand before you go what you are willing and unwilling to do, or agree to. Know what you want, but also know what you won’t put up with. Too often we are so overwhelmed by a difficult interaction looming on the horizon, especially if we have trouble owning the fact that it is potentially unsafe, that we ignore it, or try not to think about it. Think about it. Write down notes and use them. Take notes if you need to.

· Rest. When it’s done, rest. Take time to recover. Put yourself intentionally into a very safe space.

And finally, if you find that you are spending more than 10% of your time in situations that are 4 or below on the safety scale, you might want to think about making some changes. Personally, or professionally, we don’t want to have to spend all our time wearing armor. It’s hot and confining and chafes.

Don’t change how you are in the world, or try to get rid of your connection to your emotions or the world around you. You stay the same. Protect yourself, as needed, from threats you are considering accurately. But when you’re done with the battle, take off the armor, have a good bath, and wear something light and cool so you can breathe, and move.

My book The Saint and the Drunk A Guide to Making the Big Decisions In Your Life comes out next week and is now available on Amazon and Bookshop.org

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