We can’t all be Boundary Ninjas

Let’s reframe the narratives around setting boundaries

It seems like every fourth post I see on social media is about setting boundaries. Often the aphoristic messages are portrayed as handwritten on a white board or note pad or held up on a piece of poster board.

Like, ok, we should set boundaries, got it, check.

But the way it’s portrayed makes it sound like the old narratives around food and weight. Eat less, exercise more, it’s simple. If you’re not doing it, or you’re doing it and it’s not working, then it must be, well, you. Something’s wrong with you. Of course, recent medical advances and the breathless marketing associated with the new drugs associated with that medicine now shows that it’s not that simple. Some people can eat very little and exercise lots and not lose weight and GLP-1 agonists help them lose weight. Other people, as Tressie McMillian Cottom wrote in the New York Times, won’t have access to these drugs because they are too expensive, not covered by insurance or for other systemic reasons.

The narrative that we should all be Boundary Ninjas and if we’re not it’s our fault isn’t especially helpful or true. Systemic and cultural forces make it difficult to set boundaries at work and in our personal lives. Pretending that’s not so helps no one.

I’ve set boundaries at work around how I am treated, what I will and won’t do, or how I will allow my team to be treated and I’ve gotten fired for it. Or demoted, or cast out of the in group. Often those boundaries were directly related to my job. I was an executive who was responsible for the bottom line and a creative director wanted to squander lots of money on a “passion” project, which is the phrase used for project that a creative feels has artistic merit, but which will make no money or, in fact, cost money. I said no. A short time later I was fired, and he had my job.

Setting boundaries, even when it’s part of your job, can jeopardize your job. Which for most of us means impacting our ability to pay our bills and, often, the health insurance for us and our families.

Setting boundaries in our personal lives can also have consequences, especially for people who are financially dependent on their spouse or partner, or need their help with caring for children, sick relatives, or themselves.

Culturally, many of us comes from families or communities that resist conflict, assertions of individual needs or rights or talking back to authority. For some people that’s very gendered.

None of these things means we can’t or shouldn’t set boundaries. It just means it’s more complex than the aphorisms on social media might indicate. Which can lead us into taking on the shame and blame implicit in the cultural messages that if only we’d set better boundaries we’d be fine.

That said, here are some things I often say to friends and clients who are struggling with setting boundaries, that may be useful areas of exploration.

You teach people how to treat you

It’s useful to understand what you might have done to bring about this situation, as a starting point. The prosaic example is of a woman who has eight children and makes each one of them a different breakfast every morning. She cooks all the meals and does all the shopping and cleaning up as they are growing up. Then, when her children are adults, she complains that they don’t ever cook and expect her to host all the family gatherings. When they visit and wake up in the morning as grown adults, they expect her to play short order cook for them, their spouses, and their young children.

It would be useful for this woman to understand that she played a part in setting up this dynamic. And she can play a part in changing it. Often, when we’re treated badly, we can act as if the bad treatment happened in a vacuum, like a lightning storm. Which can be true. But often it’s not an act of nature, it’s a consequence of choices we made. If you know what started the behavior, you can at least identify what might need to change.

How does it serve you?

While there are circumstances beyond our control, often we allow difficult situations to persist because it serves us in some way. The short order cook mom may actually enjoy cooking for all her children and grandchildren and her complaining about it may be a kind of humble brag to her friends “look how tough it is for me to have all these kids and grandkids who love to spend time with me and visit and want me to cook for them.”

At work, it could be the beleaguered co-worker who enjoys being a martyr and taking on the role of the one who always cleans up after others. They complain, but then keep taking on more work. It may make them feel insulated from layoffs, they may like the power, or they may like playing the victim.

It doesn’t mean that there aren’t larger difficulties – the beleaguered one may have a realistic fear of being laid off and need to take on more assignments. But understanding how a situation serves you can be useful. I’ve had friends complain to me about a situation that’s culturally frowned upon but it’s actually one that serves them, and they just feel a bit embarrassed that they like a situation when they’re afraid of other people judging them.

What are you afraid of and is that realistic?

Usually, we don’t set boundaries because we are afraid. We’re afraid of losing a relationship, a connection, social capital. Or we’re afraid we won’t get something we want, like a promotion. Understanding the fear beneath your diffidence about setting a boundary can be useful. What is the fear? Is it realistic? If you’re afraid your wife is going to leave you if you ask her to please start smoking outside, when you otherwise have a strong relationship and she has no history of that kind of dramatic reaction, then it’s not a realistic fear. And your concerns about being around a smoker when you have asthma are very real.

Often we are afraid that someone else will be uncomfortable or angry. Which, if we’re culturally programmed to be conflict averse or avoidant, we need to honor. However, if what you want to set a boundary around is behavior which carries a high cost for you, it might help to understand how and why you are prioritizing another person’s emotional comfort over your well-being.

The bottom-line is let’s all try not to shame or blame ourselves when boundary setting is hard, get curious about how this came about, how it serves us and why we have resistance about addressing it. Then sit with that information, with compassion, and see what comes up.