What do you think is fair?

Not everyone wants cake

Years ago, when I was selling television airtime, expensive thirty second blocks of nothing, I had a boss who wanted to “treat” us. The sales team had been working hard and she thought an outing would build morale.

There was only one man on the team at the time, the rest of us were women, including the boss. The boss decided to take us on a trip that she thought would be fun. We’d take a ferry from Seattle to Canada and spend the day shopping, and return late at night. She told us this with pleasure, like “look what a great manager I am, building morale left and right!”

Except that wasn’t a treat for me, it was a chore. My kids were young, I was a single mother with an ex-husband in Europe and very little family support. My kids needed to be picked up from after school care by 6pm. I also didn’t have much money. I bought my clothes on sale, at cheap places since most of my paycheck went to rent and food and the tuition for the local Catholic school. Shopping at boutiques in another country wasn’t in my budget. It wasn’t even within shouting distance of my budget.

The other woman with young children on the team was married and had a nanny. In fact, she was one of those parents with “staff” – a nanny, and a housekeeper, and a gardener. I remember she told me once that she always paid cash for her new vehicles, to save on interest. She thought that was a pearl of financial wisdom for me, I think she was trying to help me understand money management since I was a single mom. It didn’t occur to her that there were people, like me, who understood money management but just didn’t have any money to manage. She was excited about the trip to Canada.

When I told the boss I couldn’t make the trip she got mad. I explained why, and she just got angrier. She told me that not participating would impact her assessment of my job performance. I was in sales, my job performance was easily measured by how close I was to goal, and considering I had already surpassed my annual goal before the end of the year, I was irritated that skipping a field trip would impact her assessment of my abilities. I don’t think many people told this woman no.

I didn’t go to Canada, and a few months later she fired me. I tell this story to give some perspective about why I get irritated with events, benefits, awards, treats or trips that don’t take into account the individual needs of the people on the actual team. A hike activity when someone on the team has mobility issues. A bar crawl when someone is a recovering alcoholic. A weekend retreat at a spa when someone is a nursing mom with a newborn.

Ffs ask!

This usually comes from a leader who is unaware and wears blinders who thinks ‘I like it everyone must like it!’ Combine that with a lack of information and basic curiosity. It is so easy to ask. A simple online poll about what activities or benefits would be appreciated and which would not be helpful. If my old boss had asked, I would have said that a delicious lunch out in one of the many fantastic Seattle restaurants I also couldn’t afford would have been wonderful. If the rest of the team decided to go onto a pub crawl after lunch that wouldn’t work for me, a recovering alcoholic, but I would have been happy to peel off and let them have their different fun while I picked up my kids early.  

The same applies to benefits or schedule changes. Moving to a four-day work week may work well for the team. Unless each of the four days are ten hours long and there are people with young children who need to arrange childcare or don’t want to come home after their kids are asleep.

Same same is not always fair.

Managers need to stop playing samesie samesie, and pretending their team are young children fighting over cake. And they need to carry that attitude into their culture. I’ve seen employees grouse about benefits they themselves won’t use because they, too, are playing samesie samesie. Some people will take parental leave, others will never have children. Some will avail themselves of training stipends and take evening classes while others will not. Some will need extended medical leave or FMLA protection and others will enjoy rude good health. Benefits or rewards don’t have to be consumed equally to be of value.

Which often means naming this exact thing. I use the story of a coach wanting to bring snacks for a kids sports team. If she likes peanut butter and jelly, she might bring PB&J for the whole team. She won’t have the time or inclination to make a different snack for each kid, that’s not practical. But she could and should have an option for children who don’t like, or might be allergic, to peanut butter. Which she could easily ascertain with a show of hands. “I’ll be bringing PB&J sandwiches, and I can also bring either oranges or grapes – can you raise your hands if you would prefer grapes? Who would like oranges?”

Easy, right?

 I understand that it can be frustrating as a leader to implement a benefit or offer something you think should be welcome and to have team members respond with irritation or complaint. I’m not suggesting that team members don’t ask for unrealistic benefits or work schedules. But that’s not what I’m talking about today.

Today, I’m thinking about how angry that white woman boss got when I told her that her treat trip wouldn’t work for me. That’s the part that still rankles. Disappointment, confusion, curiosity, I could understand any or all of those. But the anger, the threat. Clearly, she had never worked with someone who had significantly less money than she did, and, I’m guessing, she didn’t know anyone like that either, not in her neighborhood or social circle. Television ad sales was generally quite lucrative. It was a signifier to wear expensive clothes, to flash a signature red sole on a high heeled shoe, to carry the right handbag and wear the right jewelry. There was a whole secret language of possessions which I never knew or spoke.

And this, this is the failure that I see most often. A person with power has an idea of themselves that they cherish. I am a good leader. I am an ally to people of color. I am a champion of diversity. I am a savvy judge of character. I am an intentional, ethical boss.

And something happens to challenge that story they have about themselves. A person of color points out a microaggression, or systemic racism. A person with a disability says they can’t participate in that hike. A single mother says she can’t make the long shopping trip.

Instead of having the emotional intelligence or awareness to understand that their idea wasn’t thought out, or that they inadvertently didn’t consider all the implications, many leaders will do what my old boss did and get defensive. They will blame the messenger, and start thinking or saying things like “you’re not a culture fit” or “she’s not really one of us.”

Please don’t do that. Stop. Use those challenges to your self conceptions as opportunities to grow. Uncomfortable, yes, but important.

When in doubt, ask more questions. Get and stay curious. Be open to feedback and don’t get defensive when your ideas about yourself are challenged. Stop promulgating the narrative of samesie samesie fairness and instead articulate that meeting people where they are with what they want or need to receive is actually equitable.